What on earth do i learn here?!

Being overwhelmed with the feeling of frustration for a long long time i always ask this Q ,..."What on earth do i learn here?!".......& i mean in the educational system i'm stuck in & i find out that i almost don't learn,...or let me say i should have learnt much more in the previous years,...especially in the university phase ,.....i know it may seem a -ve approach,....focusing on problems instead of moving forward.... , or a kind of hanging personal defects on others,....etc. & mayb it can b a part of the problem but still it's not the perfect system ,....& still i dnt feel a real progress.....!!!



sometimes i feel that i lost so much time & energy in useless things ,....i know nth is useless & whatever we get through our lives we benefit from it somehow,......but after all there r priorities & i cant c them in their right order ,.......i spent 3.5 years studying in the faculty ,....but have i learnt what i should've learnt through 3.5 years ?!!,...dnt think so,.....no solid basis,...no real practical knowledge ,....nth except some scattered courses related or unrelated to the final specialization with awful unbearable dr's who just focus on trivial things that doesnt add much to me except that growing frustration which is turning into dissatisfaction & demotivation day by day......!!!



i know it's the current situation & i have nth except dealing with it the way it is & benefiting from it as much as i can bla bla bla,...I KNOW,..I KNOW,..I KNOW,...but i can't help it ,...i'm really pissed off with all that ,.....i cant stand losing more years with the least benefit i can have,....i cant stand losing the passion of learning,...i can't stand missing the sense of accomplishment ,...& the worst of all i cant stand the idea that i may fail a course 4 the 1st time in my life for the sake of a bunch of psycho dr's.......I CANT STAND that <-<....!!!


i'm not in a need for someone to tell me that i need a paradigm shift or that i'm ruining evth with the way i think ,...coz it won't help after all as i'm stuck in this freaking state & i've been trying to get out of it for along time & nth worked properly for an acceptable period ,...& no1 can imagine how severe it is to remain that way for along time almost continuously ,...& i mean it... long long time ....!!!


i hate myself being complaining that much ,...coz it doesn't make difference ,....spread -ve energy in the air & make me feel guilty ,...so it makes things worse ,...but that's what it came out of me right now..... & after all it doesn't express the mixture of fury ,..disappointment,...demotivation ....& depression killing me all the time....!!!

Torture....!!

فى يوم من الأيام حلت على نائبة من نوائب الزمان....أذاقتنى من الذل ألوانا...و كانت للشقاء عنوانا....كان قربها عذابا...و بعدها سرابا ...و دربها لا يرجى منه ايابا....بها ما لا يحصى عددا...و لا يطيق أحدا....تكاد الجبال تخر منه هدا....تجعل من يومى أعواما ...و من النور اظلاما...و من الحقيقة أوهاما ....أخذها بالرفق و اللين...فتكون لى بئس القرين.....أعاملها بالقسوة و الجفاء...فتكون لى ألد الأعداء.....تصلينى نارها مرارا....فأرجو منها فرارا...فتزداد هى استعارا....!!ا
أصابنى منها الضعف و الاعياء...و لم أجد لها دواءا....فدعوت الله ألا يجعل لها بقاءا....و أن يرحم من شرورها أمثالنا الضعفاءَ.....فاللهم اكشف عنى ذاك الكرب...و اجعله تكفيرا لكل ذنب ....واحفظ عقلى راجحا ...و اجعلنى فى الدنيا و الأخرة ناجحا.....!!!ا


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for the microwaves <-<

Verses..!

This verse is one of the most verses that i always remember ,....in hard times my inner voice just yell @ me saying it reminding me that it's normal to have hard times & reach closed routes,...it makes me feel that i'm not that bad to have such feelings & it's kind of human feelings,.... coz even sayedna mohamed-pbuh- & his companions felt one day the hard times & said "مَتَى نَصْرُ اللَّهِ" ,.....on the other hand it makes me feel tiny coz i feel bad for things incomparable to what they faced ,....but after all i kind of daily remember it & tell my self:

أَمْ حَسِبْتُمْ أَن تَدْخُلُواْ الْجَنَّةَ وَلَمَّا يَأْتِكُم مَّثَلُ الَّذِينَ خَلَوْا مِن قَبْلِكُم مَّسَّتْهُمُ الْبَأْسَاء وَالضَّرَّاء وَزُلْزِلُواْ حَتَّى يَقُولَ الرَّسُولُ وَالَّذِينَ آمَنُواْ مَعَهُ مَتَى نَصْرُ اللَّهِ أَلا إِنَّ نَصْرَ اللَّهِ قَرِيبٌ
سورة البقرة

months ago ,..most probably last ramadan,.....i heared that verse differently ,...& it just made me terrified......!!!

وَمَنْ أَعْرَضَ عَن ذِكْرِي فَإِنَّ لَهُ مَعِيشَةً ضَنكا وَنَحْشُرُهُ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ أَعْمَى قَالَ رَبِّ لِمَ حَشَرْتَنِي أَعْمَى وَقَدْ كُنتُ بَصِيرًا قَالَ كَذَلِكَ أَتَتْكَ آيَاتُنَا فَنَسِيتَهَا وَكَذَلِكَ الْيَوْمَ تُنسَى وَكَذَلِكَ نَجْزِي مَنْ أَسْرَفَ وَلَمْ يُؤْمِن بِآيَاتِ رَبِّهِ وَلَعَذَابُ الآخِرَةِ أَشَدُّ وَأَبْقَى
سورة طه

around three weeks ago i was on alex standing by the see during sunset ,....looking to the beautiful scene i just remembered that verse :

إِنَّ فِي خَلْقِ السَّمَاوَاتِ وَالأَرْضِ وَاخْتِلافِ اللَّيْلِ وَالنَّهَارِ وَالْفُلْكِ الَّتِي تَجْرِي فِي الْبَحْرِ بِمَا يَنفَعُ النَّاسَ وَمَا أَنزَلَ اللَّهُ مِنَ السَّمَاء مِن مَّاء فَأَحْيَا بِهِ الأَرْضَ بَعْدَ مَوْتِهَا وَبَثَّ فِيهَا مِن كُلِّ دَابَّةٍ وَتَصْرِيفِ الرِّيَاحِ وَالسَّحَابِ الْمُسَخَّرِ بَيْنَ السَّمَاء وَالأَرْضِ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَعْقِلُونَ
سورة البقرة

a verse that i like so much,....mayb coz when i understood it i felt how wonderful the meaning & the analogies inside it,..sure all the quran is wonderful but sometimes a verse stick to ur mind some how for a reason or another :

أَنزَلَ مِنَ السَّمَاء مَاء فَسَالَتْ أَوْدِيَةٌ بِقَدَرِهَا فَاحْتَمَلَ السَّيْلُ زَبَدًا رَّابِيًا وَمِمَّا يُوقِدُونَ عَلَيْهِ فِي النَّارِ ابْتِغَاء حِلْيَةٍ أَوْ مَتَاعٍ زَبَدٌ مِّثْلُهُ كَذَلِكَ يَضْرِبُ اللَّهُ الْحَقَّ وَالْبَاطِلَ فَأَمَّا الزَّبَدُ فَيَذْهَبُ جُفَاء وَأَمَّا مَا يَنفَعُ النَّاسَ فَيَمْكُثُ فِي الأَرْضِ كَذَلِكَ يَضْرِبُ اللَّهُ الأَمْثَالَ
سورة الرعد

to be cont.

تأملات فى حال البلاد و العباد...!!!ا

كثيرا ما اتأمل حال البلاد و العباد الذى يثير بداخلى الكثير من التساؤلات و الأفكار لما فيه من خلل بيّن وتناقضات مثيرة للدهشة.....!!!

و لعل أحد أكثر الأمور التى تشغلنى ذلك الانحدار فى الأخلاق و المعاملات الانسانية و التعايش بين الأفراد فى ظل النزعة الدينية الملحوظة لدى الكثيرين فى السنوات الأخيرة .....و التى كانت يجب أن ترتبط بدورها بارتقاء فى نواحى أخرى فى الحياة من الجانب النظرى ...!!!

و لكن ما نراه فعليا فى حياتنا اليومية أن الأمور المظهرية من الدين سواء كانت واجبة أو غير واجبة قد شغلت الكثيرين....تعدد الدعاة بمختلف التوجهات....اكتظت القنوات ببرامج الافتاء ....ظهرت قنوات دينية متخصصة.....امتلأت المساجد بالمصلين من جميع الأعمار فى ليالى رمضان.....زادت أعداد الملتحقين بمعاهد الدعاة و دراسة العلوم الشرعية و حفظ القران الكريم و تعلم التجويد ....الى أخر تلك المظاهر التى تدفع البعض الى الحكم على واقع الأمة بأنه فى ازدهار...الحكم الذى أراه قاصرا لأنه على صورة منقوصة.....فعلى الجانب الأخر نرى تردى الأخلاق... و استفحال الفساد ...و ازدياد معدلات الجرائم الشاذة....و تمكن التعصب و رفض الأخر من العقول... و انعدام التسامح مع المسلم و غير المسلم...و حدوث المشادات داخل المساجد بين الناس....بل و بين الشيوخ بعضهم البعض على صفحات الجرائد و قنوات التلفزيون ....الى أخر تلك الأفات التى تعزز حالة الفوضى و التقهقر فى المجتمع.......!!!

و اذا كان الحال هكذا فانه بالطبع يستحق التأمل كثيرا..... و لعلنى فكرت أن ذلك قد يرجع الى أن تلك النزعة الدينية الملحوظة تفتقد احيانا و عند البعض الى التقويم الذى يمنعها من التحول الى مجرد عاطفة تدفع صاحبها الى التخبط بعيدا عن الأولويات ...و لعل هذا التقويم يتطلب العلم الذى يكبح جماح العاطفة و يوجهها الى الطريق الصحيح...و لا أقصد هنا العلوم المتخصصة و لكن أقصد على الأقل ما لا يسع المسلم جهله ......و لا يعنى هذا أن الرقائق أو الأمور الروحانية غير هامة...و لكنها فى نظرى لها مجرد دور فى شحن الانسان و اعلاء همته على ألا تصبح كل ما يسمع و كل ما يعلم كما يحدث كثيرا فى الأيام الحالية ...!!!

و اذا أفضت فى نقطة العلم فاننى أرى أن حتى من يهتمون بالاستفاضة فى العلم قد يقعون مع قليلى علم و فقه يفسدون عقولهم و لا يعطونهم القدر الكافى من فقه الاختلاف و فقه الأولويات الذى يضبط العلاقات بينهم و بين الأخرين و يكسبهم التوازن الكافى ...و أذكر على سبيل المثال أنى سمعت أحد الشيوخ أو الدعاة الذى يتابعه الكثيرون غيرى يقول لمستمعيه أننا لا ننكر وجود الاختلاف و لكن الأفضل الأخذ بالأحوط و هو الأصعب فى رأيه تحسبا لأن يجد الشخص يوم القيامة أن هذا الأمر الأصعب هو ما قضى الله.... و هو ما أصابنى بالدهشة لمقارنتى هذا الموقف بموقف الصحابة فى حديث بنى قريظة حيث لم يكن هناك رأى أصح بالرغم من اختلاف الرأيين تماما......فذلك الشيخ يقر مبدا الاختلاف ثم يلغيه فى الثوانى التالية...أما فى موقف بنى قريظة يعلم الرسول _عليه الصلاة و السلام _أعظم درس عن الاجتهاد فى تفسير النص و جواز الاختلاف مع صحة الرأيين و احترام و قبول المختلفين لبعضهم البعض..!!!!

وقد يرجع الخلل فى مصادر العلم بشكل أو بأخر الى اضعاف دور الأزهر و افتقاد مصداقيته كمؤسسة لدى الأفراد.....بالرغم من أنه جدير بأن يكون المؤسسة الأقدر على نشر الوعى و العلم اذا كان له الاستقلالية و المصداقية الكافية ....لما به من العلماء الفقهاء الذين يتمتعون بالوسطية.....و الذين قد لا يظهروا كثيرا لوجود مقاييس أخرى فى الاعلام أو لعدم خبرتهم الكافية بتبسيط و نقل العلم للانسان البسيط......و هو ما يصرف الناس الى البحث عن العلم و استقائه من مصادر موثوق فيها أو غير موثوق فيها....تبعا لمن يقابله أولا أو وعيه أو غير ذلك من العوامل.!!!

أعلم أن الأمر ملئ بالمتغيرات التى تعتمد بعضها على بعض و أن هذا ليس كل شئ و قد يكون للحديث بقية...و لكن خلاصة القول أنى شعرت من خلال تأملاتى أن عدم انعكاس النزعة الدينية على الحياة اليومية ووجود ذلك الاتفصام السائد و حالة التردى الأخلاقى و الاجتماعى المقابل يرتبط ارتباطا وثيقا بما سبق و أوجزه فيما يلى

*الافراط فى الاهتمام بالقشور و المظهر دون الجوهر....

*الاتجاه الى العاطفة و تأجيج المشاعر دون توجه مقابل الى علم يرسخ تلك المشاعر و يوجهها فى طريق العمل الأمثل

*انتشار الشيوخ و الدعاة الذين يساهمون فى نشر التعصب الفكرى و مبادئ الأخذ بالأصعب

*اختفاء علماء الوسطية الى حد كبير أو وجود حلقة مفقودة بينهم و بين الفرد العادى

*ضعف مصداقية الأزهرو دوره كمؤسسة قوية ذات ثقل فى نفس الفرد العادى

و غير ذلك مما قد يأتى ذكره لاحقا

و للحديث بقية ما دام فى العمر بقية

هذى بلاد لم تعد كبلادى...!!ا

Farouk Gowaida's latest poem ....!!!

هذى بلاد لم تعد كبلادى...!!ا

«إلي شهداء مصر من الشباب الذين ابتلعتهم

الأمواج علي شواطئ إيطاليا وتركيا واليونان»

كم عشتُ أسألُ: أين وجــــــــهُ بــــلادي

أين النخيلُ وأيـن دفءُ الــوادي

لاشيء يبدو في السَّمـَــاءِ أمـامنــــــــــا

غيرُ الظـلام ِوصــورةِ الجــلاد

هو لا يغيبُ عن العيــــــــون ِكأنــــــــه

قدرٌٌ .. كيوم ِ البعــثِ والميــــلادِ

قـَدْ عِشْتُ أصْــــرُخُ بَينـَكـُمْ وأنـَـــــادي

أبْنِي قـُصُورًا مِنْ تِـلال ِ رَمَـــادِ

أهْفـُـو لأرْض ٍلا تـُسـَـــاومُ فـَرْحَتـِــــي

لا تـَسْتِبيحُ كـَرَامَتِي .. وَعِنَــادِي

أشْتـَـاقُ أطـْفـَـــــالا ً كـَحَبــَّاتِ النـَّــــدَي

يتـَرَاقصُونَ مَـعَ الصَّبَاح ِالنـَّادِي

أهْـــفـُــــو لأيـَّـام ٍتـَـوَارَي سِحْــرُهَـــــا

صَخَبِ الجـِيادِ.. وَفرْحَةِ الأعْيادِ

اشْتـَقـْــــتُ يوْمـًا أنْ تـَعـُــودَ بــِــــلادِي

غابَتْ وَغِبْنـَا .. وَانـْتهَتْ ببعَادِي

فِي كـُلِّ نَجْــم ٍ ضَــلَّ حُلـْـــٌم ضَائـِـــــع ٌ

وَسَحَابَــة ٌ لـَبسـَـتْ ثيــَـابَ حِدَادِ

وَعَلـَي الـْمَدَي أسْـرَابُ طـَيــر ٍرَاحِــــل ٍ

نـَسِي الغِنَاءَ فصَارَ سِـْربَ جَرَادِ

هَذِي بِلادٌ تـَاجَـــرَتْ فــِـي عِرْضِهـــَــا

وَتـَفـَـرَّقـَتْ شِيعًا بـِكـُـــلِّ مَـــزَادِ

لـَمْ يبْقَ مِنْ صَخَبِ الـِجيادِ سِوَي الأسَي

تـَاريخُ هَذِي الأرْضِ بَعْضُ جِيادِ

فِي كـُلِّ رُكـْن ٍمِنْ رُبــُــوع بـِـــــلادِي

تـَبْدُو أمَامِي صـُورَة ُالجــَــــلادِ

لـَمَحُوهُ مِنْ زَمَن ٍ يضَاجـِــعُ أرْضَهَـــا

حَمَلـَتْ سِفـَاحًا فـَاسْتبَاحَ الـوَادِي

لـَمْ يبْقَ غَيرُ صـُـرَاخ ِ أمـْــس ٍ رَاحـِـل ٍ

وَمَقـَابـِر ٍ سَئِمَتْ مـِــنَ الأجْـــدَادِ

وَعِصَابَةٍ سَرَقـَتْ نـَزيــفَ عُيـُـونِنـَــــا

بـِالقـَهْر ِ والتـَّدْليـِس ِ.. والأحْقـَادِ

مَا عَادَ فِيهَا ضَوْءُ نـَجْــــم ٍ شـَــــــاردٍ

مَا عَادَ فِيها صَوْتُ طـَير ٍشـَـــادِ

تـَمْضِي بـِنـَا الأحْزَانُ سَاخِــــرَة ًبـِنـَــا

وَتـَزُورُنـَا دَوْمــًا بـِـلا مِيعــَـــادِ

شَيءُ تـَكـَسَّرَ فِي عُيونـِــــي بَعْدَمَـــــا

ضَاقَ الزَّمَانُ بـِثـَوْرَتِي وَعِنَادِي

أحْبَبْتـُهَا حَتـَّي الثـُّمَالـَـــــة َ بَينـَمـَــــــا

بَاعَتْ صِبَاهَا الغـَضَّ للأوْغـَــادِ

لـَمْ يبْقَ فِيها غَيـرُ صُبْــح ٍكـَـــــــاذِبٍ

وَصُرَاخ ِأرْض ٍفي لـَظي اسْتِعْبَادِ

لا تـَسْألوُنـِي عَنْ دُمُـوع بــِــــــلادِي

عَنْ حُزْنِهَا فِي لحْظةِ اسْتِشْهَادِي

فِي كـُلِّ شِبْر ٍ مِنْ ثـَرَاهـَا صَــرْخَـــة ٌ

كـَانـَتْ تـُهَرْولُ خـَلـْفـَنـَا وتـُنَادِي

الأفـْقُ يصْغُرُ .. والسَّمَــاءُ كـَئِيبـَـة ٌ

خـَلـْفَ الغُيوم ِأرَي جـِبَالَ سَـوَادِ

تـَتـَلاطـَمُ الأمْوَاجُ فـَــوْقَ رُؤُوسِنـَــــــا

والرَّيحُ تـُلـْقِي للصُّخُور ِعَتـَادِي

نَامَتْ عَلـَي الأفـُق البَعِيـــدِ مَلامــــــحٌ

وَتـَجَمَّدَتْ بَينَ الصَّقِيـِع أيـــَـــادِ

وَرَفـَعْتُ كـَفـِّي قـَدْ يرَانـِي عَاِبـــــــــرٌ

فرَأيتُ أمِّي فِي ثِيـَــابِ حـِـــــدَادِ

أجْسَادُنـَا كـَانـَتْ تـُعَانـِـــقُ بَعْضَهـَــــا

كـَوَدَاع ِ أحْبَــابٍ بــِــلا مِيعـَــادِ

البَحْرُ لـَمْ يرْحَمْ بَـرَاءَة َعُمْرنـَـــــــــا

تـَتـَزاحَمُ الأجْسَادُ .. فِي الأجْسَادِ

حَتـَّي الشَّهَادَة ُرَاوَغـَتـْنــِي لـَحْظـَــة ً

وَاستيقـَظـَتْ فجْرًا أضَاءَ فـُؤَادي

هَذا قـَمِيـصـِـــي فِيهِ وَجْــــهُ بُنـَيتــِي

وَدُعَاءُ أمي .."كِيسُ"مِلـْح ٍزَادِي

رُدُّوا إلي أمِّي القـَمِيـــصَ فـَقـَـدْ رَأتْ

مَالا أرَي منْ غـُرْبَتِي وَمُـرَادِي

وَطـَنٌ بَخِيلٌ بَاعَنــي فـــــي غفلـــــةٍ

حِينَ اشْترتـْهُ عِصَابَة ُالإفـْسَـــادِ

شَاهَدْتُ مِنْ خـَلـْفِ الحُدُودِ مَوَاكِبــًـا

للجُوع ِتصْرُخُ فِي حِمَي الأسْيادِ

كـَانـَتْ حُشُودُ المَوْتِ تـَمْرَحُ حَوْلـَنـَا

وَالـْعُمْرُ يبْكِي .. وَالـْحَنِينُ ينَادِي

مَا بَينَ عُمْـــــر ٍ فـَرَّ مِنـِّي هَاربـــــًـا

وَحِكايةٍ يزْهـُــو بـِهـَـــا أوْلادِي

عَنْ عَاشِق ٍهَجَرَ البـِلادَ وأهْلـَهـــــــَـــا

وَمَضي وَرَاءَ المَال ِوالأمْجـَـــادِ

كـُلُّ الحِكـَايةِ أنَّهـــَـــا ضَاقـَتْ بـِنـَـــــا

وَاسْتـَسْلـَمَتَ لِلــِّـصِّ والقـَـــوَّادِ!

في لـَحْظـَةٍ سَكـَنَ الوُجُودُ تـَنـَاثـَـــرَتْ

حَوْلِي مَرَايا المَوْتِ والمِيـَـــلادِ

قـَدْ كـَانَ آخِرَ مَا لـَمَحْتُ عـَلـَي الـْمَـدَي

وَالنبْضُ يخْبوُ .. صُورَة ُالجـَلادِ

قـَدْ كـَانَ يضْحَـكُ وَالعِصَابَة ُحَوْلـَــــــهُ

وَعَلي امْتِدَادِ النَّهْر يبْكِي الوَادِي

وَصَرَخْتُ ..وَالـْكـَلِمَاتُ تهْرَبُ مِنْ فـَمِي:

هَذِي بـِلادٌ .. لمْ تـَعُـــدْ كـَبـِلادِي

فاروق جويدة

The Semi-Country....!!

along time ago i was sitting alone & a kind of analogy popped into my mind,.....it's related to science,....so mayb it bothers some ppl,.....coz going too far in scientific issues sometimes irritates ppl,...& it may happen to me ,...so i'm not just getting sophisticated for no reason,..it's just coz i felt that natural phenomenon gives explanation for what's happening in reality ...... just follow the blog to the end to get the whole idea....!!



let's start with the scientific theory,......it's said that in a piece of semiconductor (for example) & under thermal equilibrium with no external excitation carriers (electrons & holes) move randomly but the net displacement is almost zero & there's no current so it may seem -from the macroscopic point of view-that there is no motion although it's a dynamic process,....on the other hand if an electric field is applied it forces the carriers to have a different path & prevents'm from deviation & consequently the net displacement is not zero & a current can pass.....!!


so where is the analogy ?!!!


simply i thought that we can think about ppl as the carriers the country as the piece of semiconductor under thermal equilibrium & the electric field as the law,the legislations, the policies & whatever controls the relations between ppl in the country & direct them towards a stable & productive life.....!!

the country is in a dynamic process microscopically ,.....ppl move in all directions ,...there are good & bad ppl ,...there are constructive actions & distructive ones,..... even though the country seems static macroscopically if we look to the whole picture ....!!

WHY?....coz ppl moves randomly ,...the one who has the potential to build finds another one eager to destroy,......coz every action has it's reverse that kinda deletes it .

The most important point is the absence of law ,....or let's say powerful applied law to prevent ppl from deviations ,....force them to take the right path & control the chaos which ruins evth.......i can also consider the policies & the vision as part of the electric field as a clear policy & an ambitious vision can be a great driving force for ppl to move forward in an organized harmonic & productive way.....!!!


that's y i think our country does not achieve a net motion forward although there's a noticeable motion among individuals which makes it in a dynamic state just internally ......while it's static as a whole or let me call it a semi-country.....!!!

so that was the analogy & that was the theory,...the semi-country theory.....!!

Temporarily Feeling Better...!!

For along time i haven't had a week where i felt better like this week,.....it's the midterms' week....!!!

but no,....i don't feel better coz i like exams or coz i did well in them,....as usual my performance in exams is not good anymore,.....& it became of my expectations,......!!!

but what makes me feel better is that i have a break from the daily routine of the boring faculty days <-<,.....from the suffocating atmosphere i live in since the beginning of this year<-<,....it's just coz i don't spend alot of time among those ppl who r just "mostafezeen" with their attitude,.....those Dr's & TA's whom i can't stand anymore :@....!!

in fact i have a kind of turnover over this year,..it reminds me of stories i've been told about my childhood when i was in KG & days came when i just woke up crying & saying "i dont wanna go,..i dont wanna go" with no significant reason as i was an ideal kid in the school & they rarely complained of me there ,.....but dunno mayb it was like nowadays when i wake up feeling bad & reluctantly go to the faculty to sit(or even sleep<-<) in those boring useless oxygenless lectures..... looking in my watch each 5 mins to wonder y time doesn't pass ...& y i have this feeling of suffocation filling me......!!!

& simply 2day in the faculty or years ago in KG it must b sth psychological & may b undefined....or defined....!

so,..it seems crazy to feel better in the exams period ,...but that's how i explain feeling better ,...& unfortunately i know this state is gonna vanish after 3 days or so when i come back to run in those daily boring continuous circles & loops ...!!

-----------------------------



Aside

Dedication To 3abeer:) 'my dear Palestinian friend'

فى القدس

(the audience sound is bothering but this is the available version & i know u like it ,.....hope everything turns better for u soon ISA )

LYRICS

The Game Of Democracy....!

Why can't ppl in some counties practice skating?!.....coz of the environment....!!

Why don't ppl in some countries know or play rugby?!....coz they didn't watch it b4,didn't try it or even knew its rules.....!!

Similarly why don't some ppl play democracy,....simply coz they neither have the suitable cultural environment nor know the rules of democracy as they have never lived it.....!!!

So if we consider democracy a game ,....we can say that some ppl can play it & others dnt,.....but after all it's to b learnt & played under some conditions.....!!!


what made me think about this issue was a program on Al Arabeya channel about elections in an Asian primary school(mayb Japan or China) ,.....actually i watched part of it but it was interesting to c how 10-year-old kids played the game of democracy their way ,......how they prepared their campaigns,...chose their teams,.....gather info about other candidates,....made lists of their competitors defects to scandalize them ,....made promotion (or kinda bribe) to attract more voters,.....made frequent statistics for the votes they may have,.....stood in debates to attack each other & answer voters Qs to win more votes,.... etc.

& for sure all that was full of childish funny issues,...as in attacking one of the candidates by saying that he eats slowly ,beating another kid ,..lying....etc

also in the kind of promotion which was a trip for all the kids in the TGV offered by a candidate's father who was a police man or sth (notice the role of authority even in the world of kids ;;).......& so on

& after all the nature of kids dominated ,....but grown ups (parents & students) supported ,...motivated & pushed them to carry on & take the way to the end,......they also made the voters feel how valuable their voices were,......& finally they ensured transparency in elections :D as the kids themselves counted the votes to announce the president of the class ....!!


that was an interesting program,....& it shows why can some ppl learn how to play the game of democracy since childhood,......why some ppl grow up knowing the rule of the game ,....practicing it ,....believing in its value ,....& getting as much benefit as possible from it even in their daily lives ......!!!


but the Q here,...is it impossible for hot countries to try skating on ice?
or can a non american person play rugby?!

the answer is NO,...it's not impossible,.....coz if the environment is converted (even partially) so the circumstances are suitable & if ppl r taught the rules of a foreign game , understand & practice it ,...they will have the chance to to play those new games......& surely there are many things to push them towards a rapid progress in learning like leaving the sense of superiority & individuality aside -to a point- & believing in the game's effect on their lives.....!!!


i know it's not a simple issues,...but let's say that i'm just discussing a general idea about democracy in different levels,.....i.e: not necessarily in political life,....coz it's a game to b played in everyday life & just those who practice it in simple issues can play it as professionals in politics or that kind of crucial issues in life,........i also know that it's not always that great,...illegal acts & corruption sometimes take place,......yeah,..it's true,....but it's not a defect in the game ,....it's a defect in the players ethics & it happens everywhere......but after all it's not a reason to delete the whole game !!


so mayb i feel that it's hopeless here ,.....coz almost nth of the factors is available ,....but talking generally ; many ppl & countries could make it & reach maturity in a short period,....to play the game of democracy professionally .......!!!

The Broken Smile...!

More than 2 years ago before 1st electrical i bought that clipboard,.....i used it all the time in & out the faculty.....it was a freaking one,....coz the clip was a smily face,... it has smiley faces everywhere ,...so sometimes i got angry @ it coz it always smiled even if it's a bad time for me,...& here i took a pencil & drew a reverse smile -i.e :( - on its mouth ....!!

last year a small part of it was broken,...it was from the parts supporting the clip ,...but it survived & i could use it despite what happened,.....!!!

few days ago,....the other part supporting it was broken,....& the clipboard's life ended :(........
,.....if it was a human i would say that it may b a kind of objection or sth,......but i liked it even if i tortured it!!

after all it's gone & the smile was broken....!!!!!!!!!

The Crescent...!!

more than a month ago i was talking with sb & she told me:

"look,....u may not c the light,....not even a ray ,...it may b completely dark,....but believe that the light is there somewhere even if u can't feel it"

regardless of how much i stick to this belief ,....i just remembered some parts of this poem....!!

أنا الاحتمالْ

أنا الزَّعمُ أن اللإضاءةَ في الليلِ ممكنةٌ دونَ أن تظلمَ النارُ زيتاً

ودونَ افتخارِ الدُّخَانِ بلا وَجْهِ حَقٍّ على العالمينْ



أنا الليلُ حينَ يخالفُ فِطْرَتَهُ ويُضِيءُ

أنا الاحتمالُ الضئيلْ

أقولُ لكم إنَّ شمساً، وإن فارَقَتْ، ما تَزَالُ هُنا

في زوايا السماءِ

ووجهيِ عليها الدَّليلْ

أنا الاحتمالُ الخفيفُ الثقيلْ

أنا كُلَّما أضَعَفَ الله ضوئي طالَبْتُكم أن تَرَوْنِيَ أكثَرَ

هاتوا مناظيرَكُم واستعِدُّوا

أنا الأَمَلُ المستَغِلُّ الذي دائماً يطلبُ المستحيلْ



يُوقِنُ الراصدونَ بأن لا صَبَاحَ سَيَطْلُعُ مِنِّي

لأني ضعيفٌ نحيفٌ هزيلْ

ويأتونكم بالبراهينِ، هذا هُوَ العِلْمُ

إن الأَهِلَّةَ أَبْخَلُ من أن تَجُودَ عليكم بنورٍ

وإن الأَهِلَّةّ محضُ صخورٍ

ويأتونكم بالبراهينِ

وعدُ الهلالِ لكم بالضياءِ ضلالْ

ويقولون إذ يُمْعِنُ الليلُ في نَفْسِهِ

وأكادُ أغيبُ

انظروا، إنه سوف يَتْرُكُكُمْ للظلام،

ويَنْتَحِلُونَ لِيَ العُذْرَ،

إن الظَّلامَ كَثِيرٌ

وإن الهلالَ قليلْ

ولكنَّهُم يُذْهَلُونَ إذا ما أَطَلَّ عليكم بِوَجْهِي صباحٌ جديدْ

لم أَغِبْ، كنتُ أحضِرُه من مَكَامِنِهِ،

أَيْ نَعَمْ، مِتُّ حتى أتيتُ بِهِ

فأنا الميِّتُ الحيُّ فيهِ

اْذكروني اْذكروني إذا جاء صبحٌ

ففي كلِّ صبحٍ هلالٌ شهيد

تميم البرغوثى
مقام عراق

ONE Year...!

One year ago,...exactly one year passed since i launched this blog .....!!

actually it wasn't my first trial in the world of blogging but i can consider it the 1st one to b published in public for everybody ,.....before i started"Ummah on blog spot i passed through some issues that made me stop writing in my past blog that wasn't mature as i consider Ummah . one day i was commenting on another blog & i thought that ,....'ok mayb it's time to come back to writing in a blog totally controlled by me'..... & i started Ummah.

In Ummah i wrote alot about different issues ,....politics,..religion,...current issues,...thoughts ,...etc. ,...i wrote & i wrote till it became kind of a daily habit & i enjoyed it ,....but unfortunately i passed trough a period of time that i was kind of blocked as i mentioned before & i felt that it's gonna be the 1st & the last year for Ummah ,......but mayb i didn't want that to happen so i tried to come back ,...mayb not with the same rate as before but in a way to bring Ummah back to life & mayb to bring me also back to a previous state.....!!


dunno if my trial is gonna work ,...dunno if there will be a real 2nd year or not,.....but what i know that time will make me know.....!!!

-------------------

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
in these small hours,
these small hours still remain


Little Wonders
Meet The Robinsons

Important-Urgent Area....!!

being in the "Important-Urgent"area for along time is really irritating ,....it's always said that the person can manage things to avoid reaching this area,...but it turned out that the person sometimes doesn't have the choice when there's no chance to manage things coz everything is happening with high rate and accumulating every moment.

it's bothering to be trapped in this area for weeks or even days......it sometimes makes many things meaningless ,....coz the person just goes in similar cycles & races everyday....!!!

Hypnerotomachia Poliphili....!!(Quotes 11)

"Never invest your self in anything so deeply that its failure could cost you Your happiness"

from "The Rule Of Four"

A quote i read more that a year ago in a novel 'The Rule Of Four' ,...which was about Princton university students who try to decode the mysteries of " Hypnerotomachia Poliphili " -a Greek illustrated book - & it was a so hard task.....!!

actually i didn't like the novel so much although it was recommended by more that 1 person,....but i remembered some quotes in it & this is one of them.
one of those students -Tom i guess- quoted that part from his mother when he was getting deeply in his hard task & forgetting everything else & when things got more & more complicated.

i thought about that quote more than once from different approaches ,.........some times i felt it may be demotivating to be controlled by the idea of the probable failure coz here one will not put much effort in almost anything as there is always the risk ,....it can b kind of cowardness or staying in the safe meaningless side all the time.....!!

other times i thought of the quote in another way,...i thought that it's about having balance in life,....having different dimensions to give a meaning for the human life,.....having various parallel things that backup each other in case of a failure or defect from any kind in any one of them......i.e : not being single minded even if it's for a good objective or cause as in case of the novel Tom& his friends put so so much effort in this thesis which affected or ruined other dimensions in their lives ,...so i thought about Tom's mum quote as a wise one to some extent coz it seeks parallelism & diversification in life that humans sometime forget in the cycles & races of daily life as if they r just searching for the "Hypnerotomachia Poliphili" mysteries forever .....!!!

And It Came True...!

One day I wished to stop blogging so much,…!!!

when it became kind of a daily habit ,….i was spending so much time on it but I was not writing just for writing,…I was writing coz I felt like writing ,…I enjoyed it….I had the words in my mind pushing each other till they came out through my fingers to a web page or a paper…!!

That was few months ago ,…..but as nth remains the same,….it changed & my wish began to come true,…or lets say dramatically true,…..i lost my appetite to write for a reason or another ,…although I had ideas,..thoughts,….& more to write about ,…... Although the words were there pushing each other to find a way out., but I became unable to write as b4,…..as if it was blocked somehow ,...it's like leaving sb or sth for a long time ,....& coming back long time later,....it's hardly the same as it was in the beginning........ !!

& as I dnt write just to fill pages with anyth,…..i stopped writing till I regain my passion towards my blog,……in addition to all that became busier most of the time ,…..so my blog kind of died,….actually I dnt like to think it did :( ,…I make myself feel that it’s just an open break,... & whenever i pass by it i have the tendency to write & than i go away after few moments & i fell as if i miss it & miss writing & even a marwa-a friend that turned out to b following the blog- told me once that she missed my blogs ^o),….but seems that i'm fooling myself & my blog is so so close to death.

Dunno whether I’ll announce its official death soon b4 its age becomes 1 year (10 days from 2day),…..dunno if I’ll stop writing here but regain the ability to write anywhere else,…..dunno if anyth is gonna become better….!!

Really dunno,…but seems the wish I made one day ,….came more than true ,...FREAKIN' true…….!!

A & B...!

A: the bad news or the good news first…?!

B:mmm,…the good news…!

A:it turned out that I’m not gloomy,…I’m not a dark person,….i’m not,….i’m noooot …!!

B:great ,...great,… great ,…..so what’s the bad news?! 8-)

A:depressed….!

B:excuse me…!

A:I’m not gloomy,….i’m depressed…!!

B:& what’s the difference? ^o)

A:surely it’s different,…….mainly being gloomy is sth about the personality,….but being depressed is like having a flu & u may seem gloomy as a symptom as being pale or having cough…….got it?!

B:sorry ,….i can’t get what u r talking about,….all the ppl get depressed @ a certain point through their lives for hours or few days,…than evth goes on,…..it’s normal…..!!

A:let me correct u here,….. they do get ‘disappointed’,….’sad’,….or whatever,…..but u can’t call it really depression ….!

B: mmmm <-<,….& what’s the difference,…being disappointed,..sad,…depressed ,..stressed ,……it’s all the same……!!!

A:no no no,…it’s never the same……or why on earth do these 4 words exist?

Simply coz they r different……!!!!

B:so,..what’s the point from this senseless differentiation ?!

A: discovering that it’s all about depression….the real depression in psychological terminologies,….it’s like a flu!!

B:mmmm,….what I got that u wanna say that u r kinda ill by whatever u call depression….!?

A: exactly

B:& u think it’s sth serious?

A:exactly..!

B: & u …….come on,..don’t kid me ,…u r exaggerating ….!!

A: nope,….i’m serious…!!

B:no,…I guess it’s kinda illusion u have…!!

A:no it is not,...it's real...!!

B: proof…!

A:it doesn’t need a proof,…enough what the person feels….!!

B:& who told u that those the way of feeling is really related to what u call depression?!

A:coz if u heard or read bout it b4 ,…u would find out it’s critical,…& it explains various things happening for along long time continuously with the way u act ,…the way u feel,…or even from the physical side….!!

B: excuse me but let me tell u sth,…u r an idiot,….!

A:sorry…?!

B:why on earth will u get depressed,….u have all the blessings ,…..u liv…..

A:it’s as if u catch a cold,….or get ur arm broken,…or ,…or ,…or..

B:but it’s different,….

A: yeah,….but still they have sth in common,…..they all hurt….!

B:sorry,…..i can’t get the whole issue,…I can’t believe u,… I think that u r just making up the whole story ,….dunno why,…..mayb coz u r kida ‘disappointed ’ as u said,…..& u became obsessed with the so called depression idea,…..so u just made up the story,…believed ,…& lived it……!!!!

A:no need to b sorry i’m the one who should b sorry,,…I guess it’s my fault to say it coz it’s not to b said,…it’s to b felt,….u won’t get it,..nobody is gonna get it ,….nobody at all…..sorry!!!

ايه هى البطاطا؟....اوصف لى اللبن؟

ايه هى البطاطا؟....اوصف لى اللبن؟

الأول :البطاطاهى نوع من الدرنيات غالبا بتتشوى و طعمها مسكر.....و اللبن مشروب أبيض اللون.....!!!

الثانى :لأ البطاطا أه نوع من الدرنيات بس مش مسكرة...دى ممكن نطبخها أو نحمرها.....و اللبن أه لونه أبيض بس مش سائل ولا بيتشرب ده بيتاكل....!!!

مين الصح فى الاجابتين اللى فاتوا.....الأول...الثانى...و لا يمكن الاتنين.....!!!

طيب لو الاجابتين دول فى نقاش بين اتنين....و كل واحد شايف التانى غلط هل ممكن يوصلوا لنقطة التقاء ....هل ممكن أصلا يكملوا الحوار على أساس صحيح من غير ما يصر كل واحد على اثبات ان الثانى غلط؟!!!!

لو رجعنا تانى لأول اجابتين حنلاقى ان الاتنين صح.....بس المسألة اختلاف لهجات...و بالتالى اختلاف التعريف او المفهوم للشئ.....يعنى البطاطا فى لهجات هى البطاطس....و اللبن هو الزبادى......و بالتالى لو اتنين عندهم مفاهيم مختلفة لنفس المسمى حيكون النقاش مش على أساس صحيح....يعنى على سبيل المثال ممكن واحد(مفهوم اللبن عنده هو المشروب) يفضل يقنع الثانى أن اللبن مضر و يجيبله الأدلة العلمية و الطبية و كل الاثباتات الموجودة.....و على الجانب الأخر الطرف التانى(مفهوم اللبن عنده هو الزبادى) يفضل يقنعه بأدلة علمية برده و أبحاث أن اللبن مفيد .....بس هيهات أن حد يقتنع برأى التانى....بل وارد بشكل كبير تبادل الاتهامات بالجهل و الادعاء ....فى حين ان الطرفين محقين و أدلتهم صحيحة .....و لو كانوا خدوا دقيقة فى بداية المناقشة للتأكد من أنهم بيتكلموا عن نفس الحاجة كان وفر عليهم كتير من الجدل العقيم.....!!

اهو الناس بقى معظم نقاشاتها بطاطا و لبن.....ازاى؟!

كتير تشوف نقاشات على شاشات التليفزين...المنتديات...أو أى مكان حول موضوع ما هايف أو مهم....صغير أو كبير .....عن العلمانية...الشيوعية...المهلبية....النظم الاسلامية....الرأسمالية....الاشتراكية....التدين....التطرف....الحرية....الكانتالوب....أى حاجة فى أى حاجة......!!

غالبا كل طرف فى النقاش بيبقى عنده تعريف مختلف لنفس المسمى.....و كل طرف عنده معلومات صحيحة....بس النقاش بياخد مسار على غرار البطاطا و اللبن....و يبدأ الجدل فى حين ان ممكن يكون كل واحد جانبه الصواب فى ناحية.....لكن ازااااى.... لازم تتحول معركة و مبارزة ليثبت كل واحد خطأ و ضلال الاخر ... و تكون المحصلة صفر ان لم يتدارك الأمر ليكتشف كل طرف بعد ضياع وقت كتير ان لبن الأول غير لبن الثانى......!!!

عشان كدة بشوف أن فى أى مناقشة توضيح المفاهيم لنفس الشئ عند مختلف الأطراف ممكن يوفر كتير من الوقت و الجهد و الجدل العقيم ....و أكيد حتكون مناقشة أكتر موضوعية.....!!!

و عشان كدة افتكروا فى أى مناقشة حول أى شئ حتى لو بدا من الثوابت أنكوا تسعوا الى الاستيضاح و متكتفوش بالسؤال السطحى...." ايه هى البطاطا؟....اوصف لى اللبن؟"......!!!

البلوج البمبى.....!!ا

من أكتر من سنة -على وجه التحديد- و أنا مش قادرة -للأسف الشديد- أنى ألمس الجوانب المشرقة فى الحياة أو الناس من حواليه بشكل كبير......أو فى القول الدارج أحيانا الجانب "البمبى" ....نادرا ما بيحصل......فى ناس بيسموا الكلام ده تشاؤم....و أنا بسميه واقعية.....أو بمعنى أصح اغراق فى الواقعية....!!!
المهم مش دى القضية...و لا ناوية اتناقش فيها و لا ده مجالها....لأن احنا هنا فى البلوج البمبى......!!!ا

ايه هو البلوج البمبى؟

البلوج البمبى هو محاولة لتسليط الضوء على الجوانب البمبى :) أو المشرقة اللى أنا مش قادرة أشوفها...و ده من خلال الأخرين....بمعنى أصح عايزة أى حاجة تدينى أمل فى الحياة.....بس...و 1000 خط تحت بس.....مش عايزة مواضيع انشاء و شعارات أو كلام عام ومسلمات....يعنى مش نظام "دايما فى أمل طول ما احنا عايشين.....و لو بطلنا نحلم نموت .....الخ" .....!!!ا

فى الواقع أنا معنديش اطار معين فى دماغى عن شكل البلوج أو المسار اللى حياخده ة ولا أى حاجة خالص....هى فكرة مبهمة فى دماغى بقالها فترة و أول ما لقيت أنى أعلى من قاع منحنى حالتى المزاجية بكام ملليميتر قلت أحط الفكرة قبل ما أنزل تانى و مقدرش ساعتها أتقبل أى حاجة.....!!!ا

ياللا بقى....عايزة أشوف ردود بمبى :)....بس يا ريت تبقى واقعية :)....يمكن تفرق فى حالتى الميئوس منها دى !!!ا


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بمناسبة البلوج البمبى....و أنا بفكر فيه اتبعتلى بانر من تصميم بلوجرصمم شوية بانرز لبعض البلوجز...و كان منهم بلوجى المتواضع......و بما أن البانر مشرق و و فيه وردة بمبى :) فقررت وضعه لفترة تزامنا مع البلوج البمبى .....و شكراللزميل البلوجر و المصمم الهاوى
:D

البانر تصميم
kimexlilo

صاحب بلوج: نور على الدرب...فأين هو؟

Dangerous...!!

turning into a freakin' creature :s....!!!

I Remember....!!

sometimes certain things can remind the person of past events ,...places or ppl or whatever,....those reminders are like sound,music,odeur, taste, sights ...etc.

it happens for each person coz such relations r kept in mind (& i guess that phenomenon has a name but i dnt remember it now.....)....!!

anyway i sat & remembered that most important relations that i had in mind & found out some examples as the following:


-a certain odeur of some kind of cooking (mostly koshary or sth like that in some places) : reminds me of the nursery i went to b4 the school ,...coz they used to feed us & i dnt really remember but i guess i wasn't so interested in most of what they served ,....it's said that i was more interested in sleeping in the only bed found there & sometimes i was even carried asleep to home by one of my parents ......!!!


-some sowar in "جزء عم" : reminds me of the daily morning queues in the school ,...when various she7's used to recite different verses each day...!


-suret "ال عمران" : reminds me of preparatory midterms ,....& some verses in specific ..!!


-"قف فى الحياة" song : reminds me of the 1st vacation in the faculty after preparatory,....mostly around the period of the result....!!


-'Kenny G' music : mostly reminds me of the final exams of 1st electrical year....!!

-"قلبى الصغير" song & few others for mashary rashed :remind me of last ramadan...!!


-BBC radio station: reminds me of the daily trip to the school ,...dad used to turn it on so i used to listen to it,....now i rarely do ....!!


surely there's much more but those where some examples of what i remembered now .......!!

& as i always say "A person is an accumulation of memories...! "

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aside:

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours
These small hours
Still remain

Little Wonders
Meet The Robinsons

Lack Of Appetite...!

whenever i find myself as i am these days i remembers those words:

يا أيها القلم المعبر عن شجونى ما دهاك

هل جف حبرك أم ترى شعرى يزيدك فى أساك

هل غاب نجم القول و الأنوار غابت عن سماك

هل تشترى منى المشاعر عاصفات فى عراك

و تصبها فوق الدفاتر أدمعا تروى ظماك

تشفى اللظى و تريحنى فعذابها ربى كفاك

sometimes i really have thoughts ,..feelings,..ideas,...etc. ,... i have the words in my mind & i have the time to write'm,....but once i think to write i feel as the words evaporated or even i dnt have the tendency & the will to write ,.....i was writing a stupid story while i was studying but now i dnt feel like completing it <-<,......months ago- even during exams -i had a flow of words that i reached my highest rates in writing & i was astonished how come i write that much,.....but suddenly when i reduced it i reached the highest rates of NOT writing or even replying on both my posts & others...as if it's a lack of appetite!!

weird...!


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aside:

Four Seasons (Vivaldi)